We Interviewed a 4,000-Year-Old Mummy!

​For every book we release, we’ll feature a fun interview with one of its characters. Today we sat down with someone—who prefers to remain anonymous here—from The Forger of Faces by Catherine Butzen, a riveting romantasy book that comes out this Friday, August 1st.

EXCLUSIVE: We Interviewed a 4,000-Year-Old Mummy Who’s Dodging Death—and They’re Not Sorry About It
 
By: Doug Graves
 
[UNKNOWN LOCATION — PROBABLY NOT IN YOUR TOMB RAIDER DLC]
 
They’ve been alive longer than written language has been cool. They’ve dodged death, decay, and at least three different apocalypses. We sat down with a 4,000-year-old mummy who has consciously chosen to keep going. Their identity remains classified, mostly because they don’t want their stuff to end up in the British Museum again.
 
Doug Graves: Wait—so you’re not cursed? You just . . . don’t want to die?
 
Mummy: I was too busy to die. King Amenemhat was trying to reunite Egypt after a hundred and twenty years of war, and I was one of his generals. The rebels in the north weren’t going to pacify themselves. And Amenemhat wasn’t the kind of man who would accept “I was dead” as an excuse.
 
DG: What’s your secret to staying “alive”? Any skincare routine we should know about?
 
Mummy: Juniper tar, pistacia resin, and cypress oil. Apply directly to the interior of an empty skull cavity. Cover your body in natron-rich salt for about sixty days. Oh, and have your priest brother secretly craft several thousand clay statues to hold your soul in perpetuity. Simple.
 
DG: You’ve lived through every era of human history—what was the biggest letdown?
 
Mummy: I can’t answer that honestly, as my mortal acquaintances tell me I will be “canceled.” However, I can say that France has been an indecisive mess since about 1700. How many Republics are they on now? Five? It might be time to try monarchy again, since democracy clearly isn’t working for them.
 
DG: Any regrets about dodging death this long? Be honest.
 
Mummy: You might say I’ve built up quite a negative karma balance with the gods. Four thousand years of avoiding them tends to look . . . disrespectful. The moment I do die, my soul will be shredded by the demons of the darkness. Somewhat inconvenient.
 
DG: So what keeps you going? Why keep living when you could just fade into legend?
 
Mummy: Quite aside from the fact of my soul being destroyed? Well, there’s always more to see. Humanity’s ability to invent and change fascinates me, and I want to see what the mortals invent next.
 
I also want to live long enough to see the grave of Alexander the Great uncovered. Chiefly so that I can vandalize it. He conquered Egypt 2300 years ago, and I hold grudges.
 
DG: Last one: Would you ever go public? Like full celebrity undead reveal?
 
Mummy: It seems to me that that isn’t necessary. Many of your current leaders and icons already resemble the soulless dead.
 
So there you have it: One undead legend, dodging the grave and judging us from the shadows. Smash that like button if you, too, are fueled by existential dread and sarcasm.

BONUS: Check out the conversation below, which we discovered on a certain social media platform, that may or may not be related to this interview!
​ 
 
We hope you really “dug” this different take on the character interview—we sure had a lot of fun writing it!
 
Check out Catherine’s author interview for The Forger of Faces here and our initial book review of it here. Our top ten favorite quotes from Forger are coming next week!​

​The Forger of Faces​ is book 2 in the Shades of Immortality series. It stands alone well, but we recommend reading book 1, Painter of the Dead, first, to see how Theo and Seth and Aki’s adventures all began.

BONUS BELOW! (Warning: contains spoilers for book 1.)

As an Amazon associate, we earn from qualifying purchases.

​Theo Speer Is Painting Stuff @theodora_speer_art is online
 
Theo Speer Is Painting Stuff @theodora_speer_art
new mural in progress at @columbianmuseumchicago ! cant wait for everyone to see it when its finished! new “Retreat from Moscow” exhibit opening next summer! @akeelalee @ryanstiegler @josemartinez @ddjacobsen
 
pic.com/jhr8389832
 
you know who I am @akeelalee is online
 
you know who I am @akeelalee
Is that a penguin?
 
Theo Speer Is Painting Stuff @theodora_speer_art
@akeelalee ha ha. its a french soldier in a fur winter coat.
 
you know who I am @akeelalee
@theodora_speer_art Looks like a penguin to me.
 
Theo Speer Is Painting Stuff @theodora_speer_art
@akeelalee i will block you.
 
you know who I am @akeelalee
@theodora_speer_art We should ask the experts. Hey @sethadler.adlerfinancial is that what French soldiers looked like 1813? You were there right?
 
Theo Speer Is Painting Stuff @theodora_speer_art
@akeelalee what r you doing? dont try to tag my boyfriend! he doesnt even have social media you dork.
 
Seth Adler, CEO, Adler Financial @sethadler.adlerfinancial is online
 
Seth Adler, CEO, Adler Financial @sethadler.adlerfinancial
@theodora_speer_art Sadly, that is no longer the case. @akeelalee Don’t tag me in your ridiculous posts.
 
Theo Speer Is Painting Stuff @theodora_speer_art
oh my god
 
Theo Speer Is Painting Stuff @theodora_speer_art
@sethadler.adlerfinancial you hate social media. did something happen?
 
Seth Adler, CEO, Adler Financial @sethadler.adlerfinancial
@theodora_speer_art Adler Financial’s publicity experts tell me it makes me approachable, which is a key part of business strategy today. However, most of the replies I receive are variations of the phrase “OK, boomer”.
 
you know who I am @akeelalee
@sethadler.adlerfinancial Do they know you’re actually an undead mummy?
 
Theo Speer Is Painting Stuff @theodora_speer_art
@akeelalee AKI
 
Theo Speer Is Painting Stuff @theodora_speer_art
@akeelalee STOP IT
 
you know who I am @akeelalee
@theodora_speer_art It’s the internet. I could tell say he’s actually a dinosaur in a human costume and no one would care.
 
you know who I am @akeelalee
@theodora_speer_art Besides he’s part of corporate America. The weird part would him NOT secretly being an evil walking 4000-year-old corpse.
 
Theo Speer Is Painting Stuff @theodora_speer_art
@akeelalee i know where you live
 
Seth Adler, CEO, Adler Financial @sethadler.adlerfinancial
@theodora_speer_art As little as it says about the current culture, he’s correct. Although, @akeelalee , I object to “evil.” Morally neutral at worst.
 
you know who I am @akeelalee
@sethadler.adlerfinancial Werent you a general in Ancient Egypt? War is kinda evil.
 
Seth Adler, CEO, Adler Financial @sethadler.adlerfinancial
@akeelalee When the alternative is being run over by a Hittite chariot and having your body thrown in a pile with the other nameless dead, war makes a certain amount of sense.
 
you know who I am @akeelalee
@sethadler.adlerfinancial OK boomer.
 
Seth Adler, CEO, Adler Financial @sethadler.adlerfinancial
@theodora_speer_art There it is again. What does that mean, anyway?
 
Theo Speer Is Painting Stuff @theodora_speer_art
@sethadler.adlerfinancial he’s calling you old and out of touch.
 
Seth Adler, CEO, Adler Financial @sethadler.adlerfinancial
@theodora_speer_art Ah. Guilty as charged. A good thing you have an appreciation for history, no?
 
Theo Speer Is Painting Stuff @theodora_speer_art
@sethadler.adlerfinancial you do look pretty good for 4000. ;)
 
you know who I am @akeelalee
@theodora_speer_art @sethadler.adlerfinancial I’m still saying evil.
 
Seth Adler, CEO, Adler Financial @sethadler.adlerfinancial
@akeelalee If I were evil, I would have attempted to conquer the world by now. Four millennia is plenty of time to assemble an army.
 
Seth Adler, CEO, Adler Financial @sethadler.adlerfinancial
@akeelalee It would take perhaps three generations to turn subjugated populations into loyal soldiers. An immortal king would be the only continuity they’d ever known, and my rule would be much more stable than that of my contemporaries.
 
you know who I am @akeelalee
@sethadler.adlerfinancial … you put a lot of thought into this, huh.
 
Seth Adler, CEO, Adler Financial @sethadler.adlerfinancial
@akeelalee I do enjoy the occasional thought exercise. We were playing war game simulations in Rome, you know.
 
you know who I am @akeelalee
@theodora_speer_art oh fuck me. He’s not evil. He’s a gamer. RUN.
 
Theo Speer Is Painting Stuff @theodora_speer_art
@akeelalee so is sandy in the interactives dept. and you like her.
 
you know who I am @akeelalee
@theodora_speer_art NOT COOL, SPEER.
 
you know who I am @akeelalee
@theodora_speer_art BLOCKED AND REPORTED.
 
you know who I am @akeelalee is offline
 
Seth Adler, CEO, Adler Financial @sethadler.adlerfinancial
@theodora_speer_art He seems rather sensitive about his crush.
 
Theo Speer Is Painting Stuff @theodora_speer_art
@sethadler.adlerfinancial denial is not just a river in egypt ;)
 
Seth Adler, CEO, Adler Financial @sethadler.adlerfinancial
@theodora_speer_art Indeed. Nonetheless, I should cut this conversation short before we say something offensive and accidentally “go viral.” Dinner tonight at my place? Seven o’clock?
 
Theo Speer Is Painting Stuff @theodora_speer_art
@sethadler.adlerfinancial you’re on! <3 <3
 
Seth Adler, CEO, Adler Financial @sethadler.adlerfinancial is offline
Theo Speer Is Painting Stuff @theodora_speer_art is offline
 
portillosordeath @humans_of_chicago
@jjj212 @tantrummer @kentuckyrapidash OMFG folks check this out. some hedge fund old guy is trying to flirt with his babygirl on main ROLEPLAYING A DEAD GUYYYYY
 
TRENDING IN YOUR AREA
Cubs beat Sox
Pat and Ron Show
Wildfires
Mummy roleplay
 
Theo Speer Is Painting Stuff @theodora_speer_art
@akeelalee I BLAME YOU